Two weeks notice

I drafted a very tentative letter of resignation to my parenting job earlier today. I don’t know who I would turn it into, most likely Tony, and then he would probably need to begin interviewing someone else stat who would take the kids to school, pack lunches, pick outfits, nag at them in a shrill voice, clean out lunch boxes that are totally full (when do they even eat?). And most importantly, feel lots of shame because parenting brings feelings to the surface that are cringeworthy, and sad, and hard to own up to. Oh, and it pays SQUAT (except if hired you will be allowed to charge up a crap ton at Costco). I don’t even know where he’d advertise for a position like that. Craigslist? The Dark Web?

You all know that I’m so grateful to be a parent. If you don’t, you do now, because you read that sentence. This isn’t really about the day to day of parenting, because its unquestionably taxing. What is surprising to me is how I’m reacting inside to some of the things that are happening with our family this year.

I always want to be careful to not throw my kids under the bus for the sake of this blog, so I’ll be general. We’ve been experiencing 1) being new, 2) some rejection, and 3) new situations where we (and by we I am definitely referring to my kids) haven’t yet mastered social graces, or how to say, “this sucks” without actually saying out loud that “this sucks”.

What I’m getting at is that I know that its normal for kids to struggle making new friends sometimes, to adjust slowly to the full day of school, to say things out loud that make me, as their mother, cringe. They’re human, and growing up is really hard sometimes. I’m surprised by my amazing ability to make each of their difficulties somehow about myself. When they struggle to make friends, I make it about how I also have felt rejected and how I feel overwhelmed in the gargle of parents at pickup. Then I ask myself, where have I failed them as a mom that I haven’t somehow already given them the ability to master these situations?  When they say something ridiculous or act out in public, I’m embarrassed, then I shame myself for being embarrassed and embarrassed that I feel shame. ACK.

So when I wrote my “I quit parenting” text to Tony today, it wasn’t about whiny kids or rough schedules. It was about not knowing how to get rid of the ‘me‘ in all of this. I want to be able to be there for my kids when another kid acts like a turd to them, or when my kid is the turd, and I want be able to just hug them without worrying about how it all reflects on me.

Basically, I’m just feeling like a crappy mom lately. And I just realized I forgot to feed Bryce lunch, damnit.