I’ll take the most crumbly piece of pie, thank you.

When I was pregnant with Addie, I worried about how she would turn out. Not so much a, “Will she have a third eye?” kind of worry (although sometimes), but I worried because I was going to be her mom. Before you cross this off as just too wildly self deprecating, understand that I really had this imprinted into my head: plants, pets, then kids. Keep a plant alive, get a pet. Keep that pet going for a few years, then you can think about having a kid. I kill plants with wild abandon, and sometimes I think my cats hate me. We have a garden now, from which we are obtaining actual food (more on that later) but its all thanks to Tony. I think the garden is the coolest thing ever, and I think it would be really sweet to be into gardening. Just like I think it would be really cool to be into running, mostly so I can wear the cute runners clothes and look really awesome in them and make my friends super jealous. I did do the running thing for a while, but then I remembered I don’t like it. The insatiable ecstasy  that happens while running must have skipped past me and onto someone else who isn’t intrinsically disturbed by spending several hundred dollars on Lululemon jogging shorts.

And so back to plant murder and children…

I wasn’t sure how I could be a mother. It requires a kind of selflessness I wasn’t sure I was capable of. I realized that when you get married, your own selfishness reflects back at you in mirror that is disturbingly accurate. All at once you’re sharing, giving, thinking of someone else…all of the time. Sometimes you’re even expected to give them the piece of pie that DIDN’T totally fall apart when you were scooping it out of the pan, even though you really want that piece. It took me years to get used to that. Motherhood scared me, because I worried that all of those flaws that were exposed when I got married would be exhumed and magnified. What kid could stand up to that, and turn out alright? So far it has all worked out…surprisingly well. Its not that when Addie came I suddenly abandoned all of my needs and wants and predilections towards the nun-crumbly piece of pie, but they were easier to put on the back burner for this amazing little person. I don’t know that it is because of Tony and I, but I really like the way Addie has turned out so far. I think she’s a cool little kid. I can only take this to mean that I haven’t completely and irreversibly mucked her up as a parent yet. I am, of course, still learning, but perhaps I’m a bit more mature than when I got married 8 years ago (not 100% sure of this), and perhaps its a bit easier to put my wants on hold for someone else. I still enjoy (more of a clawing at the walls kind of need) time to be alone, time to read a book, get uninterrupted coffee with a friend, go on a date with my hubs, drive without constantly handing someone snacks, time to stare at a wall and drool…but I can take care of Addie first, without feeling exhausted or bitter or resentful. I really worried if I would be good at that before she got here.

This lemony summer has taken on a different meaning of selflessness. We don’t have lemons growing in our garden; this is more of an, “Instead of Lemonade My Summer Gave Me Lemons” type of reference. I know the whole parenting sacrifice begins way before they get here. We give up coffee (well, we give up having 4 cups a day, I can’t tell you that I’ve completely abandoned all caffiene), we pass on our delicious summer cocktails (there is SO much mint growing in our garden – a mojito party is happening on my deck when he gets here), and if we’re on bed rest we give up a little more. We give up our typical idea of nesting (hard to do when you’re supposed to be sitting!), getting those last minute projects before baby completed, and exercise…this has been tough for me. Not that I was an Iron Girl beforehand, but I have completely let go of any notion of looking like that cute pregnant lady with a basketball stuck up her shirt. Right now its more of a “just give me my pregnant lady mumu and shut up about it,” kind of thing. I’ve given up going places with Addie when we’re alone, because I can’t lift her into the car. I had a lot of hopes about this summer with her, because it is our last summer of just her and I paling around without any other siblings, and I wanted to make it special. Instead I’ve had to get creative and make it special at home, but thats something I had to let go of.

I think I’ve just generally given up my expectations of the way these months and this summer would go. And its (deep breath) generally alright with me. Some days I find myself more content, and some days I am just itching to have this baby. I told a friend last night that I actually googled, “How to make 10 weeks go by faster.” That was a low point. Google doesn’t really understand what I’m dealing with here.

Until then, I have this gorgeous deck, a gorgeous kid, and a gorgeous husband who has been ridiculously, unbelievably, “pinch me is he for real?” awesome during all of this. I don’t mind getting the crumbly piece of pie for a while. And I get to sit here and post blogs. Its not half bad.

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