Providence Living with Toddler Classes. Harder on Mommy.

Posted on March 5, 2012 by

My daughter isn’t walking yet. At 15 months (just a few days ago), I guess this isn’t common. Deep breath. Okay. I’m actually  (mostly) okay with that. There are so many things Addie does well. She loves, so much. She hugs everyone she comes into contact with. She’s not shy (except with the girls from the Y, which I’m convinced probably have some sort of demonic mean streak or my daughter would reach out her arms to them instead of cry in short hysterics). Addie hugs every toy she picks up, before she plays with it. It’s like a rite of passage. “Here, let me hug you. MMMM, Loves. Now lets play.” Seems respectful to me.

So, today Addie and I went to her first “Living with Toddler Class,” through Providence Children’s Center. Addie gets to go through the classes for free because she qualifies for services through Providence Children’s Center (an absolutely a.maz.ing program with amazing staff, FYI).

Usually, I’m all for meeting new Moms, new kiddos, learning some skilz…today I was shaking in my booties. I walked in and it probably didn’t help that my daughters nose is running like a faucet (I’m pretty sure that she is teething, although I am also pretty sure that we parents use teething as an excuse for most everything), so I have a few thousand kleenexes in my pocket to gather the residual snot that exits with grandeur at each sneeze.

As I sit down, it becomes evidently clear I am the only new mommy, for, probably 17 years (it feels like.) Usually I love being thrown into new people situations, but today, all the walking kiddos, barely older than Addie, had me petrified. Right or wrong, this is simply how I felt. Perhaps Addie could pick up on my feelings because she clung to my neck tightly and refused to let me stand her on her feet.

I tried to awkwardly make conversations with other Moms, I asked, “So, where did you all deliver, Providence?” (Usually a go to question for Moms, and then you talk about how amazing/or horrible your doc was, totally ridiculous), and they all said, “Yeah.” And that was it. No follow up, nothing. It was intensely awkward, and then they all continued talking.

I don’t personally think I’m the geekiest girl to walk the streets, but this morning was horrible. Moms pulled toys out of my babies mouth (because apparently more mature babies no longer put things in their mouth), and talked about other things that I apparently have no business talking about because as hard as I tried to be included, it. just. wasn’t. happening.

Heres the thing. I don’t really think these mommys did anything wrong….do you know what I really think it was? I’m so ashamed to say this, but I will, in case in some future tense it heals or helps another mommy out there. I was so ashamed of Addie’s abilities I turtled. She had a snotty nose, she couldn’t walk, and I felt like everyone was judging us. To be very completely and totally honest, I do very much think some of the mommies were looking at Addie’s crawling as a weakness. Well, screw them. And shame on me for letting others perceptions of my daughter affect how I think of her. She is absolute-flipping-lutey amazing.

I hate what I stereotypically refer to as “PTA” Moms. I felt like I ran into ten this morning. Since when does your ability to be exclusive make you superior? It doesn’t. Next time, I don’t care if my daughter has a snotty nose and hands you the same toy 20 times, please smile and tell her thank you because she is 15 months, and you’re much, much older.

I’ll be going back to this class next week. Please pray for me:).

kseaward

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My Pickle

Posted on January 29, 2012 by

The past few weeks I’ve been having an occupational crisis. The first hints occurred when I declared to Tony the other day that I was going to law school to “be like my dad.” As I rushed downstairs to let Tony know what I was going to do (I had already looked up admission dates at the U and was strategically planning out childcare in my head), he was playing video games and I got a whithered look accompanied with an “Uh-huh, cool.” If you didn’t know Tony this could come off insensitive, but if you know me, you also know I’m kind of prone towards giant declarations (I prefer to think of myself as adorably impulsive): “I’m going to paint the whole house this week!” “I’m running that 10k! (in one month).” “I need to go to Hawaii or I. Will.  Die.” <– that one came true, we just booked Kauai (!) and I think this was less of a spoiled need to simply tropical vacation, but more of a desperate compulsion to escape crappy life circumstances. The only solution I could think of was an umbrella drink, a book, and a beach.

I think most of my major life decisions are made on a whim. I decided I wanted to go to grad school in one evening, took the GRE’s two weeks later, applied to one university, and sixty thousand dollars later I have a fantastic degree that I feel, some days as I’m doing laundry or pushing the grocery cart down the aisle, like a moron for not using right now.

I’m currently going through a ‘whimmy’ phase. Tonight I looked through jobs and school programs, while all at the same time acknowledging how hard it would be to do those things with a baby, but still wanting them very much (Would you like to watch my child for free?) It’s hard finding your identity as a mom, especially if you’ve previously found it in school or working.

I think of things like, “If I have another baby, and then wait for them both to be in school, and then go back to work…will I still be….smart?” I’m not sure. Or, if I waited that long to go back to get my doctorate and counsel, would I be too old? I feel like I might be too old. It’d be nice if life were significantly longer, with more time, more childcare, more money, and less pressure.

(Interestingly enough, I’m not sure where this fits, but there is an occupational crisis scale and several studies looking at people who suffer from ‘occupational crisis’s, and most of them were women in the psychology profession…(twilight theme music…)

So, while some of my whims are truly that, just whims, some aren’t. It’s really hard to tell the difference. Do I really want to work or go back to school right now, or maybe I’m just looking for something to make me feel like I did when I was in grad school. If I’m really honest, I loved studying, I love solving problems and writing papers. I loved my internship, I loved running groups and counseling…it was just fun.

For now I’ll lay off cruising the internet looking at admission policies and scholarships and deadlines…I really think we are a grass is greener culture, but hopefully I’ll soon figure out exactly it is I’m looking for.

That last paragraph sounded a lot like what a drippy background narrator would say during the intro to a WB show, but you get my drift.

 

kseaward

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I need to go to Hawaii. Among other things.

Posted on January 20, 2012 by

My mom and I stood in her bathroom tonight trying on wigs that she bought for the impending head shave, and I realized several things.

First and foremost, I don’t really make an attractive blonde.

Secondly, I always thought I’d deal with crisis better.

I also thought I was really okay with it when Tony and I cancelled our vacation to Hawaii in December. But I think the thought of sunshine was actually really keeping me going for a while. Tonight, as Tony and I drove up to Mount Vernon, I looked outside at the cold, dark, gross brown snow, and then back at Tony, and

told him that I really think its an emergency that we take this trip. Apparently the crazed look in my eyes prompted him to agree. I think its okay to need some sun. I’m rebooking this weekend.

Lastly, I’m not sure if I know what it looks like to deal with things “healthily” anymore. I always thought a counseling degree would prepare me better to handle adversity, but apparently counselors are some of the craziest people out there. Oh well, at least we’re entertaining as we socially circle the drain.

I haven’t dealt with this whole ‘cancer’ thing that well. Then again, I’m realizing that I don’t even know what that would really look like. I’d really love for someone to tell me what it really looks like to deal with a parents illness in a good way, besides grabbing a glass of wine and not thinking about it.

But for now, until someone brilliant gives me all of the answers, I’ll peruse deals to Maui and pack my shorts.

kseaward

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risky behavior

Posted on November 17, 2011 by

A while ago I was watching The Switch, and while that movie isn’t really a cinamatic masterpiece, it had a line that really resonated with me. Sperm donor (see? Already you want to watch it) Patrick Wilson walks up to fellow character (Jason Bateman) and says, “Hey, you know, we don’t really know each other. Lets grab a beer.” I know that seems so commonplace, but it takes courage to let someone know you want to spend time with them and get to know them. I love the honest way he asked him to hang out. Too often we assume that other people either 1) have enough friendships, or 2) they simply wouldn’t be interested.

In my time off work, one huge long giant week, I’ve tried to be intentional. Intentional about working out, organizing and cleaning my home, spending time with my daughter, and paving new relationships.

I don’t know about you, but putting myself out there can be intimidating. The simple act of asking someone you don’t know to coffee, well, that can be tough sometimes! There is nothing like the relaxing feeling of an old familiar friend that really knows you…but in order for that to happen, we have to start somewhere!

I was reading a blog this morning that detailed some of the reasons we don’t pursue relationships:

1. We’re busy. I know in my own life, I’m drained by the end of the day. Making my way out the door for drinks at 7:30pm (gasp!) with a friend can be challenging, especially when its dark and cold outside and your couch and pjs are calling.

2. We’re hurt. Relationships aren’t always easy. We get hurt when others don’t reciprocate, when we feel unimportant, when you feel you’re constantly initiating…the list could go on!

The blog author shared several ‘joy-stealing’ thoughts that can consume us when we’re starting new friendships, letting others into our homes, and spending time together:

Is my home clean enough? Is my decor nice enough? I haven’t dusted in two weeks. My bathroom, or fill in the ____ is so outdated.Will they like me? What will we talk about? What will they think of me?

She writes that we’re so worried about ourselves, and what others think, that it absolutely ruins us.

Maybe I’m the only one who struggles with these thoughts sometimes (but somehow I don’t think so). Its too bad, and we let our insecurities drive a wedge between us and what could be fantastic relationships.

And so, I’ve tried to be intentional. In getting to know others. In putting myself out there. In asking someone I don’t know to do something. For me personally, this is a time in my life when my identity as a mom is still forming, and that affects a lot of other things…friendships being one of them.

We all want to feel important. I really don’t know anyone that has it all together. We all want to know someone values us, wants to hang out with us, or finds us interesting. Simply put, we all need to feel connected and that we matter.

I’ve learned that putting myself out there, although risky, almost always pays off. It’s not always easy, but the returns can be great. I’ve also learned that my unlikely friendships can be some of the ones I find the most enjoyable.

Why not throw in a cute picture to drive my point home? I’m a sucker for chimp faces. This is pretty dang adorable.

How do you ‘put yourself out there’? How do you pave the way for new relationships? What helps you be courageous? Please share!

 

 

 

kseaward

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peek-a-boo with your fence

Posted on November 10, 2011 by

I know there are responsible things to do. And then there are things you have to do. And then, well, there are things you just do. This week I had a quick and dirty lesson in ‘the do’s.’

A while ago I had a baby. Actually, lets jump back a few steps.  Before that, I went back to school, incurred a ridiculous amount of student loan debt, graduated, and then I had a baby.

I decided I wanted to stay home with Addie. Scratch that, by default, I stayed home, and I did want that, but I wasn’t entirely sold. She was born in early December, and I didn’t think it would work very well to start a school counseling position and then almost immediately take maternity leave, though it could have been done, it didn’t sound like something I wanted to do.

I wrestled a lot with staying home for a bit. There was a lot of joy and certainly a great amount of convenience in staying home, but I would constantly scour school district websites for jobs, think about little things I could do to work; basically, I spent my time peeking over the fence and never really settled into being there.

At the end of last year I was offered a job, not in my field, but close enough. It was a great deal for a working mom, almost as good as you can get, wonderful people, great program, in house daycare and all signs seemed to point towards, “You’re a dope if you don’t take this!” So take it I did. And I did it, gratefully, and then things started to slowly fall apart.

Addie got sick…all the time. Not just the sniffles, but the barfs. Fevers. And then the sniffles in between. I’m fairly sure that I left butt marks in the chairs at the walk in clinic. Sleep came in short doses…Tony stayed home, I stayed home, my mom drove down, and it just got ridiculously sucky hard.

At some point I lost my joy because it became clear that things just weren’t working. Tony got to a point where he couldn’t work from home anymore, I got to a point where I was slacking in planning because I was slacking in life, as a mom, tired and giving half to everything, and then Addie got sick again. I met with my boss for coffee last weekend, who’s just a classy lady, and she released me from my position. I never would have quit. I just don’t…to my detriment, and I think at times to others, I just wouldn’t quit something, but to be gracefully released from this was a blessing. I sat at coffee surprised, but relieved. Everyone was getting what they needed.

As I went back and read this blog post, I’m grateful. I know that I got a chance to be a working mom, and its not right for this time in my life. That doesn’t mean it won’t ever be, but right now, its time to be home. For a day or so, I went back and forth wondering if this is the responsible, prudent thing to do. And then we decided that this was just the thing that needed to be done, and that was that. I’m home, I’m in with both feet, and thats a great feeling.

On another note, working moms are amazing. If you know one, you should tell her she’s amazing. Give her a Starbucks card, a hug, a compliment. I didn’t do it that long, but man. They’re incredible.

 

 

kseaward

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